A dark, long night lasting about 4 months

   I refused to tell the Birth Story of ACY until I spoke to my favorite nurse, Mrs. Super Fantastic with the low-down. I couldn't bear that she should read it when in spirit, she was with me thru the whole thing.  
  My pregnancy was uneventful in that everything was minimal.  My morning sickness was next to non-existent, I ran until the end of the 6th month, hit the gym until my belly made exiting a machine impossible, no cravings, and no hormonal swings.  Perhaps it had to do with the strict diet I kept.  I seldom indulged in anything b/c I couldn't bear putting junk into the forming life inside,  which led to a total gain of 19 lbs. Keep in mind, I was a size 8 to start. 
  I was late.  And no sign of baby.  Inducement start 12/2 and the whole process from start to finish was a tortuous 30 hours.  Waiting for the contractions which didn't come until after almost 24 hours was hell.  Thank goodness the nurses were really cool or I would have lost my mind.  Every 2 hours there was an internal exam-which still makes me cringe. There was simply too much invasion of my physical privacy!  Poor Dennis had to sit and watch my face grimace in pain.  Finally, the contractions started kicking in.  Somehow, I never lost my cool or composure.  But I did want my epidural and wanted it ASAP! I had to wait until I was fully dilated, and then Ancona got me off it an hour later so I could push more effectively.  Crazy.  Though Den was there to hold my hand and offer moral support (thanks Den), it was like my mom said-there is no one but God at that point.  
   Funny how 10 months later, I can still remember how bittersweet it all felt.  How I was happy to have the baby, not quite realizing that the darkest night of my life was about to begin.  
  Dennis I am sure has a different perspective-he got to see all the cool stuff: the crowning of her little head, and then watch her come out.  Tears streamed down his face with pure love and happiness. I was relieved to know it was over.  And then, "It's a girl!"  A GIRL?  But we thought it was a boy.  With all the kicking, I thought Little Pele was inside me.  I laughed at how little we as humans know about anything!
   Ashima weighed 7 lbs on the dot and was alert from the start. I guess the epi drug didn't have any time to hit her blood b/c she was wide eyed and ready to go!  She had a personality from the beginning-she had the loudest cry on the floor.  The night nurse wanted to give us a break and took her to the nursery, only to return her 45 minutes later b/c she was waking up the other newborns!  She looked like a fledgling raven with her mouth rooted open...and yet the latching was an issue.
   Breastfeeding was difficult and a challenge.  It's supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, yet there were tons of books and articles to argue otherwise.  It would take forever to latch, and then sometimes it was improperly which led to sore nipples.  I cried many times of frustration thinking I was already a failure of a mother and it hadn't even been a week.  Thank goodness for a breast pump and formula to help me through the beginning.  And those EBF nazi mothers can kiss my butt-if I hadn't had the help of formula, I would have given up all together!  
   I guess b/c the bf wasn't easy, I didn't feel a true connection to her until much later.  And it didn't help that we had way too many visitors the first couple of weeks-that was a mistake not to be repeated.  Too many hormones running wild, and I was so tired!  It was winter and it felt like a night that never ended.  I prayed for better days, for strength, and patience with the whole thing.  
  Somewhere along the way of the 3-4 months, things slowed down a bit.  Bf got easier and at last we were on our way to something resembling a bond.  For some of us, loving our children isn't immediate.  I knew it was my responsibility to take care of her, and that alone made me want to excel in the task.  But love?  That came later.  Maybe it has to do with my lack of cooing-I know I am missing that woman gene! It's no secret that becoming a mother was not on my list of life priorities, so maybe that accounts for the blase attitude I had from pregnancy until month 4 in Ashi's life.   Who knows? I am just grateful that long night ended and ACY has the loving home she rightly deserves.